I can't stress how important it is to..."Like yourself!"
If you don't "Like" yourself, how can you truly like or love anyone else?
You first have to know yourself. By this I mean you have to know what you are looking for. It's obvious you want someone can be a friend, someone you feel comfortable with. One you can trust and talk to.
Now, do you want a Long-Term Relationship, someone to marry? A 24/7 person? Do you want someone to be with and still have your freedom? Do you want just a sometimes relationship for convenience?
Compatibility?
Caring: Feeling or showing care and compassion.
Love: A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
Comfortability: Being in a state of physical or mental comfort; contented and undisturbed; at ease.
One also has to realize...if a person is totally emotionally compatible with you it still doesn't mean you could live with or marry them. You can love someone completely and still find something in their character that you find too much against your ideals so you can't marry them.
Age difference isn't a problem when looking at sensuality. It's the matching of the levels that matter. If levels are right, it has the potential to be wonderful for as long as the two want the relationship to last regardless of age.
Remember, in a "good" relationship, you start as friends....then it "may" go to infatuation, and only "maybe" to loving each other. To be true lovers you must be friends first!
In any relationship there should be respect, caring, as well as a lot of communication. A relationship is "mutual"...meaning sharing the friendship, good times and experiences as well as the bad. You feel wanted for “you” being you...not just because of what is physically done.
Relationships without friendship are usually impersonal, cold, robotic, and minimally affectionate. (Don’t confuse sexuality for sensuality)
Think about all the people you have dated...then think of why the relationship ended. If you're honest with yourself, you will say most of the time it was because you were at a different level of emotional need than your partner....then it just all fell apart. It is also just as true when dealing with friends and acquaintances. Your closest friends most likely are closer to your level of sensuality.
A person has to understand who they are, what are their real needs, (emotional and physical), and what they honestly expect out of the relationship. Try not settling for someone less than your emotional needs. This way you don't waste their time as well as yours. If you do settle you will be the one hurting emotionally in a very short time.
Also remember: People do not change unless they feel a need to or are forced to.....once the force is removed they revert back to what they are comfortable.... and unfortunately if they are not sensual enough for you, sadly, "NOTHING" you do will make them so.
Emotional Suppression = Wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am
Most (no, not all) men...except those "raised" in some of the eastern religions and a few others...are taught from birth to suppress their emotions. Don't cry! Don't be immature! Be a man! Be macho! Don't be a wimp! So they grow up not understanding their own emotions.
You can go to a library and school to learn sex education. You can't learn sensuality. So, a man comes of age thinking a sensual woman showing affection, wants sex. Even a sensual man, unless he has the understanding of sensuality in the past, equates it as wanting sex. Uninformed of their own emotions causes many to have only sex then roll over emotionless leaving their partners emotionally hurting. Thus, quoting an old military expression, “Wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am”
I've looked and learned over the years an interesting concept. "God" gave only some the gift of high sensuality. (or however you believe mankind was created)
Not everyone has, appreciates, or understands it. So some get jealous, insecure and distance themselves from sensuality. (as someone having a plague)
Many mental health professionals who are not at high levels of sensuality see sensual people as overly "needy." Many because they themselves can't feel emotionally what overly sensual people feel.
As previously stated, "What you don’t need, you don’t look for, nor do you give back what you receive."
If, in the marriage/relationship, one partner is the more sensual of the two, and the other finds him or her too emotionally overbearing, the problems begin. The lesser feels there isn't any way to satisfy the partner’s needs so they feel low esteem and shut down emotionally. The partner who is more sensual also feel hurt from the lack of affection and shuts down too. This causes both parties to feel anger and bitterness toward each other and probable verbal abuse.
Emotional Mismatch
A relationship based on communication and honesty is usually a strong one but not always enough.........a relationship must also be made with close, if not equal sensuality levels.
I truly believe most marriages (not all) are made for the wrong reasons....and not for the equal levels of sensuality. Love is wonderful but, if it can't be expressed to your partner in a way they feel loved, then "Love" sadly is just a word.
The former New York Phone company NYNEX, in their advertising, once used the phrase "Talk Is Cheap." It is a statement so very true in many situations. What you say means "nothing" if you can't show it with actions of the mind and heart.
You can "Love" someone but, if you don't express it and your partner doesn't feel it, saying "I love you" sadly means nothing but words! Without both feeling loved in a marriage, the certificate is just a piece of paper with religious, moral, financial fears keeping the union together as well as worrying about their children’s future.
The effects of "Emotional Mismatch," can be minimal at first. When things are going good in a relationship, we tend to overlook the little things that would normally bother us. There is some level of “comfortability.” When things get strained, due to things like lack of affection, financial, or overwork, problems will arise.
Usually, the one who is more sensual feels that lack of affection more than the other. If the two don't discuss the problem right away, with some compromise, then it starts to grate on that person. Soon little things, that prior weren't so important, now come to the forefront and irritate that person. Eventually, and probably unintentional, these tensions cause a level of animosity, that often, start arguments...some very loud.
If those problems still don't get addressed or can't be compromised to the agreement of both, then the arguments become more often and more verbally abusive. Hopefully, one or the other doesn't have physically abusive tendencies. It is at this point it would be advisable to seek outside help either by a family member, religious leader, or a professional trained in dealing with these problems.
Unfortunately, all too often, one partner or the other will feel nothing is wrong and outside help isn't necessary. These people may or go for a few meetings with a closed mind feeling "it's not their fault."
The reality is, "Fault" is not the real issue. The pressing issue is to find some middle ground where both can be comfortable with each other again. "Nothing" can be done about the different levels of sensuality but what can be attempted is to bring the two back to the levels of "Comfortability" they had before the problems arose.
If the levels are too far apart, and they don't get outside help to try to find a compromised level of acceptance then the marriage/relationship falls apart. It's not right but it does happen.
Comparisons
Something to think about.... Except for the first-time relationships (i.e. teenagers), good, bad, or unfairly, most people, male and female, tend to compare the sensual and sexual a present relationship to past relationships. If they feel they had worse relationships in the past, they may be guarded somewhat until they feel more comfortable in the present. If they had a past relationship, they felt was better, they will always compare it to the present and feel something is missing. If it’s sexual in nature, there usually can be compromises. If it’s sensual in nature, it’s hard to compromise if the levels are too far apart.
At the End, it's "The Cup is 1/2 Full 1/2 Empty" scenario.................
One person feels the hurt but, in time, accepts the fact they had good times together for as long as it lasted. They understand it was an overall good experience. It just didn't work out for one reason or another (without pointing fingers) keeping it as a learning experience and move on to a new relationship.
Another person sees only the hurt. They hate their partner and themselves for having the relationship to begin with. They totally reject and deny the months or years of good happy times and see only the memories of the breakup, packaging it as a total loss and waste of life's time. It’s what I call the “Martyr Syndrome.”
Most, who see their lives this way, wallow in their hurt, blame the world for their fate, learning nothing about themselves, relationships, nor love. They can't move on. They become over protective of themselves and insulate themselves from others so the chance of getting hurt in the future is minimized. (so are the chances of meeting someone who will make them feel whole again)
Falling "In Love" is a normal behavior. To believe all loving relationships end happily isn't realistic.
Not by choice, I've been very close to death many times in my life. I've realized how short it really is. It's too short to dwell on only the bad times of a relationship. If you think in advance you will get hurt you have already killed the relationship before it started.
As the saying goes, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." (Alfred Lord Tennyson)
Love is such an important experience, that even the pain of losing someone you love is better than not having loved that person. I truly believe, it's far better to have found happiness and love (for however long it lasts), than not to try to have felt that love at all.
Remember, regardless who you enter into a relationship with, even if you are "in love", there will be good and bad times with no guarantees. A single man can hurt you just as easily as a married man. If you fall off a bike, you don't stop riding. You get up and move on with it.
Enjoy your life, enjoy the good times of any relationship. If it doesn't work out.....then it wasn't meant to be.
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